Cleanliness is next to Sadism
Anybody following this site knows that the Idiot recently took a wife. As most males of the species, I was apprehensive at the prospect of sharing all that I own with another, but I found that this arrangement presented an opportunity for advancement. For the Idiot has always been quizzical about the women. Never quite understood them. Couldn’t quite grasp their logic. I found this to be a novel chance for study, to learn about their inner workings.
Being that I have this forum with you good people, I felt it only fair to share the knowledge I acquire as I learn it. And so here I give to you one of the first lessons I have learned about the females.
No matter how much they might complain about how dirty you are, no matter how much they obsessively clean the house, men of the world, remember one thing. They don’t give a rat’s fat ass about cleanliness.
Really, they don’t.
Oh, they put up a good front. A very good front. And kudos to all you ladies out there, the performance is top-notch. And I’m sure all of the women reading this are somewhat insulted and probably a bit confused. How can you not care about cleaning when you do it all the time? But what you call “cleaning” we call “hiding”.
And that’s really what they’re up to, guys. They’re hiding your shit. It’s a tactic. And it works.
I don’t know what women’s magazine you ladies found this in, but it’s a good one.
See, once upon I time I was a solitary Idiot. Lived alone, which has its advantages and disadvantages. One of the advantages was that if I sat something down and came back to it a week later, it would still be there. If it wasn’t, it was time to call Ghostbusters. But I always knew where everything was. No, it didn’t look pretty, and I’ve smelled better things. But it was in order. Piles and piles of order.
I had my clean clothes pile, I had my dirty clothes, but okay to wear to work pile, I had my dirty clothes, but only wear to the gym or the store pile, I had my dirty clothes, but only wear in the event of a sewer explosion pile, and I had my “standing pile”, the clothes that were too stiff to lay flat on the floor in a traditional pile.
I had piles of paperwork, piles of bills, piles of work stuff, piles of magazines, but I ALWAYS KNEW WHERE EVERYTHING WAS. It was order. And it worked. If I needed to grab something on the way out the door, I knew just where it was and what pile to grab it out of. Ten seconds, tops. I was the master of my domain. And it gave me confidence. It gave me power.
But oh, those days are long gone. I never know where anything is anymore. There are no piles. There is no order. Only chaos. If I set something down, it makes a quantum leap to a totally different spot within an hour. She believes everything should be “put away”. In other words, “hidden”.
When I leave the house now, it’s like a f*cking Easter Egg hunt. The simplest of things, like my shoes. My shoes that have faithfully sat beside my bed for over 30 years, now they seem to walk around on their own. They seem to find comfort in dark, secluded places. My life has become a broken record of, “Hey, where are my...?”
“Do you know what happened to...?”
“Have you seen the...?”
“Where the f*ck is the...?”
I am no longer master of my domain. I no longer have confidence or power. I feel like an Idiot (and not always that Noble). I feel lost without her there to guide me through the simplest of tasks. I feel like I have lost my ability to function on my own. I’ve become weak. Demoralized. Castrated. Putty in her hands. In other words, EVERY WOMAN’S FANTASY.
So you see, the hiding tactic has taken it’s toll. And she does it ON PURPOSE!!!
And they all do it! All you guys out there, they’ve been doing it to you all these years and you probably didn’t even know it. It’s not about cleanliness, it’s about zombification!! Cleaning is how they OWN YOU!!
Don’t believe me? Look in their closets. Look in the one place where everything is their own. Is it “clean”? Is it “tidy”? No, what do you see? PILES!!! GLORIOUS PILES!!!!
There is no floor in their closets! Only piles of dirty clothes and underthings you only dreamed of diving into when you were 13. They know exactly where everything is because they have order and piles! Piles that they deny you in their sadistic attempts to take over your mind, your soul, your very reason for existing.
I say to all men of reason, RISE UP! We can’t take this lying down any more!! It’s time to take back the mastery of your domain!! Seize confidence!!! Seize power!!! Seize....
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Sorry, I gotta go, the wife’s calling.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
