The Idiot knows you listen.  You may not always obey, but you listen.  Good for you.

 

Now it’s time to obey.

 

The Idiot is laying down a fatwah against bad advertising.  Boycott it.  Let those who pollute our world with it starve and feed off their own scum to survive.

 

Not all advertising, mind you.  There’s nothing wrong with advertising in general.  Businesses need to be able to sell their products and people need to be able to find what they need.  And advertising is what keeps a lot of the things we take for granted free, like broadcast TV and radio, for example (imagine a world where every station had to beg for money like PBS).  But as we move forward with new technologies, especially the mobile technologies, the amount of advertising out there is going to continue to rise.  And as older modes of advertising become foiled (Tivo), newer modes will take its place (product placement).

 

So embrace advertising.  It’s just one of those prices we pay for living in the modern world.  But understand that the more advertising intrudes into our lives, the more diligent we have to be about it.

 

If a company runs an ad that works, they’ll keep doing it, no matter whether it was good or not.  Billy Mays did an ad for Oxy-Clean where he was screaming at the camera at the top of his lungs and people bought it.  Our lives have been tainted by that screaming asshole ever since.

 

So, everyone who bought Oxy-Clean should have to shampoo my crotch.  With Oxy-Clean.

 

And think about the poor souls at the ad agencies that have to make these commercials.  Most of those guys got into the business because they were creative and wanted to break ground and blow minds.  And most of them are fully capable of doing that, but the companies that are their clients wind up going with watered down, stupid, creative-by-committee bullshit.  By boycotting the crap those companies are inflicting on us, it might free up some of those creative admen to do some truly great things that will entertain and enhance your life.  See, it comes back around to you.

 

 

What’s a bad commercial?  Here are some clues:

 

“We’re taking it to the next level!”

Immediately boycott any commercial with this phrase in it.  It’s the laziest phrase of all time.  The only level this belongs on is a lower level.  And what low expectations this phrase implies.  We’re not going for the ultimate limit, we’re just gonna take it up to the very next plateau and we’re gonna stop there.  Instead of challenging society and pushing it forward, we’re just going to move it up a notch and see how people respond.  We’re not going to jump in with both feet, we’re just going to go from the water being halfway up our thighs to actually getting our nads wet.  Next level of hell.  Assholes.

 

“We’re thinking outside the box!”

The most overused phrase in history by the most undervaluable people.  There is no phrase more inside the box than “outside the box” and the only people who use it are those who have no ability to do so.  You want outside the box, how about I insult you outside the box.  Suck my cat!  Eat kazoo, ya chairhole!  People should be punished for saying this phrase.  And not just by boycotting their things, next time you hear someone say that phrase around you, rape them in the ass.  I’m serious.

 

“There’s never been a better time to buy!”

Again, it does not matter how badly you need this product, if they use that phrase, boycott it.  For the love of your children, boycott it.  It doesn’t matter if it’s a dialysis machine and you just had both of your kidneys removed at the Motel 6 after an all-night kegger in the middle of a wheat field with a guy you’ve never met named Olaf, don’t buy it.  The rest of society will pay for years if you buy it.  So, you might die if you don’t get it, so what, don’t be so damn selfish.

Never been a better time to buy.  What about that time I had more money, huh?  Suck my cat!

 

You have your mission, people.  Godspeed.

 

-The Noble Idiot