He-Robertson
Ah, Pat. When are you going to realize that comedy is your true gift?
With a straight face. A straight, 76-year old face.
2,000 pounds.
To give you an idea of how much 2,000 pounds is, it equals:
A Mini-Cooper.
8,000 Quarter-Pounders.
200 Clay Aikens.
Oh, and 655 pounds more than the World Record, set by a football player at Florida State University!!! (mental note - don’t f*ck with any football players from Florida State University)
Hardly anybody even has a machine that could hold so much weight.
Man, that Robertson is a freakin’ MONSTER!! Forget the Chuck Norris facts that are going around, we need some Pat Robertson facts...
Pat Robertson created Meteor Crater in Arizona when he stumped his toe on a rock in the middle of a flag football game.
The 2004 tsunami in Indonesia was caused by Pat Robertson stamping on a spider on the other side of the world.
Pat Robertson once squeezed a homosexual between his legs so hard he made a diamond out of him.
The only reason Carter signed the SALT II nuclear weapons treaty was because the Russians didn’t know we had Pat Robertson.
When Pat Robertson does squats, he stays perfectly still. It’s the Earth that moves.
Pat Robertson is also musically gifted and once joined the cast of Stomp. Luckily for all of us, Stephen Hawking talked him out of it, explaining that he would obliterate the universe’s space-time continuum only 2 minutes and 43 seconds into the show.
Pat Robertson once challenged God to an Indian wrestling match. When God refused out of cold fear, Robinson kicked Him to the ground and gave Him noogies until God agreed to send Pat money for God to forgive Himself.
By the way, over on Fox News, they are calling those who don’t believe this claim “skeptics”. As opposed to calling those who made the claim “liars”.
“But hey, Idiot, you don’t get it. You need to learn some faith!”
So if “Thunder Thighs” Robertson was actually able to do this, it was obviously a miracle. Surely a man of God, which he must be because he keeps saying so, found this power through his Lord and Savior, the one and only Jesus Christ, right? Surely the whole point of this claim is to show people the incredible power that we have through faith in God, right? He must have given full credit to the awesome power of the almighty, right?
I mean, right?
Actually, he’s giving credit to a health shake. His health shake, to be specific. Which you can buy right there on his website.
This ain’t faith, folks. This is Grade-A all-American marketing bullshit. Brought to you by the same guy who has called for the assassination of foreign leaders. And said Katrina was sent to Louisiana because of the abortion clinics there (even though there are 10 times more in New Jersey), and who has involved himself in questionable mining operations with war criminals and genocidal maniacs like Mobutu Sese Seko and Charles Taylor, and whose “charity” organization, Operation Blessing, which collects money from thousands of decent, caring human beings who want to reach out to those less fortunate when disaster strikes, has been found to give the majority of their charity money to... Pat Robertson!
The Idiot is in disbelief that people take this guy seriously. This guy is no Christian. He’s a scumbag. And a unique brand of scheming religious scumbag, when you think about it. There are dozens of people out there claiming to perform miracles from God in order to shake down people for money, but here’s a guy who won’t even give God credit for it, he takes all the credit himself.
God complex, anyone?
Christians of the world, you have good hearts. I know you do. This is not your guy. Please stop listening to him.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
