Wouldn’t it be nice...
In my last post, I talked about fantasies. Specifically, the deluded fantasies that Bush and his remaining supporters in the bunker have on adding a paltry 20,000 troops into a situation that would need well over 200,000 soldiers that don’t exist in order to make any kind of difference whatsoever.
(A small aside - my favorite part of his speech the other night is when he boldly took responsibility and said “Our troops in Iraq have fought bravely. They have done everything we have asked them to do. Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me." And then went on to announce his next mistake.)
But I suppose I have a fantasy, as well. It goes something like this:
Official Transcript
The View
Episode of January 12, 2007
CREDITS ROLL
CROWD CHEERS as the four ladies of The View walk out onto the set. ROSIE does that jump-in-with-palms-upward-and-”what, for me?” look that she did on her old talk show and has not gotten less stupid over the years. ELIZABETH follows, smiling and waving as if to say, “See, f*cking a guy on camera in a reality show IS a path to legitimacy!” JOY enters, straining under the weight of the chariot carrying BARBARA, the other three legs of which are shouldered by Armenian strongmen while Laotian women fan her and provide constant oral pleasure.
They sit at the table, CHEERING subsides.
BARBARA
Right quick before we get started, I believe our Rosie has something she’d like to say.
MURMERS from the crowd.
ROSIE
Yes, thank you Barbara. I’ll try to keep this short.
(takes a sip of water;
turns to the camera)
As you all know, over the last several days, I have been involved in a little feud with everyone’s favorite combover, Donald Trump.
Audience BOOS. Rosie waits for it.
ROSIE
Oh, you heard? Well, last night, I was taking care of some household stuff and turned on the eleven o’clock news, just for something to listen to while I was working, and low and behold, there I was, right there in the eleven o’clock news! I couldn’t believe it. It was Iraq, fire in Malibu, something else that gives you cancer, and me! Me and my little tizzie with the Baby - I mean, The Donald!
AUDIENCE LAUGHTER.
ROSIE
So I turned off the news after it was over and kept doing my thing, and it just kept going around in my head, how silly it was that they were talking about it on the eleven o’clock news. I mean, I knew it would be in the Enquirer. And I knew it would be on Extra and Access Hollywood and shows like that, you know, that’s what they do. But there it was on the evening news, and not even in the, you know, the entertainment portion of the news, right in there with the headlines. Iraq. Malibu. Cancer... Rosie and Donald. I mean, I think they just kind-of flippantly mentioned that five or six soldiers died in Iraq and then devoted twice as much time to us, like it’s that important. Like our little war is as important as that war.
She takes another sip of water. The other ladies nod their heads.
ROSIE
So, it bothered me. And, after thinking about it pretty much all night, I wanted to come out here today and just say that it’s time to end this. It’s time to move on and just let this go, because there are so much more important things going on in this world that need to be talked about.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
ROSIE
(into camera)
So, here it goes. Donald, as painful as it is for me to do this, I want to extend my apology. I still don’t appreciate the things you said about me, and in defending myself, I’m sure you don’t appreciate the things that I said about you. I don’t expect an apology back, and I’m not asking for one. Any barbs you want to throw my way from this point on, I’m just going to ignore them. I won’t throw any more at you. And to you ladies here, I want to apologize for filling up time on this show with this ridiculousness, and for the fact that some of you got brought into the middle of this. And to our audience out there or whoever may be watching, I want to apologize to you, too, for having my little spat enter your living rooms.
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE
ROSIE
Having said all that, I have just one more thing to say. Shame on you, the “legitimate” press, for making this into an actual news story. When the President is sending 20,000 more troops into a cauldron where over three thousand have already died, when a brand new congress with all new leadership has already passed three bills after less than a week, when we’re now bombing Somalia and threatening action against Iran, when ski resorts in Canada are laying off workers because of a lack of snow due to global warming, when New Orleans is having so many murders they have to impose a curfew, when new figures are saying that there are almost a million homeless people in the richest country in the world, you want to spend your precious time between commercials talking about two rich celebrities that have a beef with each other? Are you out of your minds?
AUDIENCE APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER
Barbara chastises one of the Laotian girls for using too much teeth.
Ah, yes. One can dream.
But, seeing how the whole thing is just a publicity stunt to promote Rosie as the controversial firebrand at The View and Trump’s new The Apprentice, which is TANKING...
Yeah. We all have our fantasies.
Friday, January 12, 2007
