Football is gay. Sorry, guys.

Not to give away too much about the Idiot, but I fall into a small race of humans that are characterized by their pale skin, known as caucasians, white people, or as professional ethnologists like to refer to us, cracka ass crackers.

My racial identity is visibly on display now after my recent trip to Hawaii, which has left the outer layer of my skin flaky, peeling, and looking much like a molting iguana.

So I feel relatively confident in being able to speak for the average cracka ass cracker male. And believe me when I say... white dudes have some issues.

White dudes have some seriously latent homosexuality. Why? What are white men’s favorite sports? Football, and professional wrestling. The two GAYEST sports of all time!

Professional wrestling is gay porn for preteens, in fact, I believe that wrestling IS porn, with violence instead of sex. Watch it sometime. The production value is the same, I could be wrong, but I think they have the same writers. Even the outfits are the same! The only difference is the nature of the pounding going on.

Think about it. If these wrestling fans were flipping through the channels and ran across a show where two men were rolling around in their underwear in bed, they’d probably want to puke, but flip it to the very next channel where one wrestler has another wrestler’s head between his legs, his cheek pressed firmly against the bulge in his speedos… now that’s entertainment! They’re enthralled. These are the same kind of guys that read muscle magazines. And they don’t see how gay that is. Flipping through page after page of tanned, oiled, muscle bound men flexing for the camera, I mean, if that’s not some latently gay shit, I don’t know what is.

But football, now that’s a gay sport. And it’s not just white guys who obsess over this, no, this afflicts males of all stripes (although I’ve yet to see these oft-mentioned striped people).

No other sport in the world has positions like these:

Tight End - the virgin of the gridiron.

Fullback - the more experienced member of the team, and finally...

Wide Receiver - the ass-peddling mother whore of the field.

This is a game where 22 men in tights and netted half-shirts repeatedly dive over and over again into large, homo-erotic piles, the goal of all of it being to “penetrate the backfield” with an inexplicably elongated ball, and good plays are rewarded with pats on the behind. After the game, the entire team takes a shower together.

Folks, this is one gay game.

Still don’t think so? Each play begins with a guy walking up behind not just one man bent over in front of him with his ass up in the air, but an entire line of men bent over with their asses in the air. This player picks one lucky little bitch and walks up behind him, proceeding to put his hands into the other player’s crotch, gently cradling the other player’s balls with the back of his hand.

There’s a game in Brazil where men lick bananas and shove gourds up each other’s asses, that game looks like a Southern Baptist Convention next to football.

(The Idiot’s favorite game, you might be wondering? Tennis. Where the two players stand on completely opposite sides of the court, as far apart from each other as they can get, and as if that wasn’t enough, they put a net between them.)

And white men are OBSESSED with this game! It’s practically a religion. Fortunes are made or lost betting on these games. If their favorite team loses, their entire week is ruined. They actually come to HATE people from another city if they don’t like that city’s team. And they say “we” all the time. “We” won, “we” lost, what the hell is “we?” They played a game. They made a million dollars today. You ate Chee-tos. And it’s all they talk about when they get together, football, football, football. Who’s got a shot this year, how do you think “we’re” gonna do? Does the new guy have what it takes? And man, do they consume. Football mugs, football caps, football shirts, football jackets, football plates, football posters, they wear their favorite player’s jersey like they’re the high school slut and they’re blowing him.

But that’s only on Sunday and Monday nights, no, no, that’s not enough, so they turn to college football, which is even more disturbing. I still can’t get over the fact that these guys on TV playing college football are 10 years younger than me. When I was graduating high school, these kids barely had control of their bladders and were the reason the school hallway smelled like sawdust all the time. Why should I care about their stupid game? Then I look at some men ten years older than me, and they worship these kids. They follow every play, every game, every bowl, all in nervous anticipation for that Christmas Morning for football fans, the draft picks! And most of these guys never even went to college, much less actually went to this school they swear allegiance to, or even took a class there, or could even find it on a map, for that matter.

And even worse is those people that watch high school football. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL! Because the only thing better than grown men running around in tights is 15 year old kids running around in tights. Grown men going to high school football games. And they’re not even watching the cheerleaders! This is seriously deranged. I mean, I understand if your kid is playing, but 60 year old men on Friday nights going down to the high school stadium, their lives revolving around whether these pimply teenagers win or not... Sad. So very sad.

Now, up until a few years ago, the off-season provided a time for the football-crazed public to actually contribute in some way to society, by working and being productive. Having a life of some kind. But no need for that anymore. Now there’s Arena Football! Now the football fanatic can get his homoerotic fix year round, this time watching teams that he doesn’t give a shit about! Who’s playing? I don’t know? Who cares? It’s May and there’s football on TV! Finally, the world the way it should be, year round football.

But it gets worse! Now there’s Fantasy Football.

Fantasy Football...

Fantasy Football?

FANTASY FOOTBALL!!!

Now they’re not even trying to hide its gayness!

It’s not enough to have year-round, 4 days a week football in reality, now sweaty men can overtake your fantasies, too. Why limit yourself to only obsessing over teams that actually exist? Now grown men get into arguments and fights over players and teams that aren’t even real!

Lunacy. Utter lunacy.

And guys, if you really don’t think you’ve gone off the deep end, try this… Ask your wife, girlfriend, sister, or any close female when was the last time she went to the mall and bought a pair of fantasy shoes?

Guys, you officially obsess about football more than women obsess about shoes. Getting the picture?